Sex and Injuries (But The Two Are Unrelated)
by DARWIN51
Summary: Ilana's blind date goes wrong...ish, Abbi accidentally discovers a massive convention, and naturally can't find her way out. Ilana comes to the rescue... kinda. / No mature content, despite the title. It's a joke. Written like an episode, chapters are scenes.
1. Video Chat

"Ok, on 3, ready?" Ilana sat on her floor between her couch and table, watching Abbi on her laptop trying to figure out how to hold a fidget spinner.

"Wait, how… how are you supposed to hold it?" Abbi, on her bed with an Ellen picture behind her, tries balancing the hot pink toy on each of her fingers.

"Like a joint-"

Abbi holds the toy to her mouth, then laughs.

"Now flip it over, with your palm up." Ilana demonstrates with her own blue one.

"Whoa wait where'd you get a blue one?"

"I bought it from this kid in an elevator. Look, hold it like this."

"How do you know this if you've never used one before?"

"I saw someone do it once. Just hold it. Ready?"

"Yes."

"Ok… spin!"

They both spun their toys at the same time.

Abbi reacts first with a giddy kind of laugh.

"I don't get the hype."

"It's… it's kinda fun." Abbi watches it spin.

Ilana holds it on one finger while spinning.

"How do you…" Abbi tries to copy her, but drops it.

Seeing Abbi watching her, Ilana can't help but show off. She transfers it from finger to finger, still spinning.

"What! You've used it before, haven't you!?"

"No" Ilana says, distracted by balancing it on her nose with her head tipped back.

"You liar! You've totally done this before! I've been waiting so we could try it at the same time!"

Ilana drops it to her lap. "Sorry."

"You said you don't even like it."

"Can you imagine? Last year, the most popular toy was like, hoverboards. And adults were like, "hoverboards, can you imagine what it'll be in 2017?" And they like, got this?"

"Ilana, we're adults."

"I mean like, Adults, with a capital A. We're like, lowercase adults. Like, we're still totally responsible and stuff, but- Abbi?"

"Haha look! I think I got it!" Abbi now has the fidget spinner balanced on her nose and spinning fast. "WhOAA!"

~/~


	2. Catcalled

"So who are you meeting for dinner?" Abbi asked as they walked down I guess 42nd street I don't really know New York.

"Hey ladies, where'd you get _that_?" A short man with tattooed arms lowered his sunglasses at Ilana's ass.

"Your mom!" She shouted at the guy, picking up her pace. She turned to Abbi. "Not you. I love and respect your mother."

Abbi glanced behind them.

"Some guy. I don't know. An old friend set us up."

""An old friend"? Abbi said. "Do I know this friend?"

"Ehhh…"

"Who?"

"Greg Cavanaugh?"

"What! The blonde dude? Didn't he open his own ice cream shop?"

"Greg's Cones."

"When did you see him?"

"We have the same dealer."

"And he set you up on a blind date."

"Yep."

"And you just accepted?"

"I'm in a bit of a dry spell here, I'm willing to try."

"You want me to follow you, in case it goes bad? I can help out if he-"

"You wanna help with my dry spell?"

"..What?"

"What?" Ilana replied quickly. "Nothing. Unlessyouheardme and youwannatryit."

"I was gonna go shopping with my mom, but we can have dinner at the same place as your date."

"Thanks, but I don't need "Abbi and her mom" babysitting me on a date. I'm a grown-ass lowercase adult."

Suddenly, the man from before stuck his head between them and said, "Hey, I have plans tonight too but I'd ditch them to help you two out."

The girls spun around, Abbi swinging her handbag at him. It hit him in the nose.

"Aghh!" He pressed his palm to his nose.

"You've been FOLLOWING us!?" Ilana said.

"What the hell is in that handbag!? Jesus!"

"Weights." Abbi said. "For hitting people!" Abbi said, hitting him again in the leg.

He jumped back. "Okay! God!"

"What the hell are you doing!" Abbi held her bag up again, ready to swing it like a bat.

"Being scared of you, apparently!" He took a few more steps back, then turned and retreated.

"You should be!" Ilana shouted after him. "Hold me back, Abbi. HOLD ME BACK!" She pretended to try to run after the guy, but wasn't really going to.

Abbi just watched her friend wait to be restrained.

Ilana continued to lunge in the guy's direction for a few seconds before realizing people were looking at her. She cleared her throat and straightened her shirt, moving back to Abbi's side to continue walking.

"Men are disgusting." Ilana said, slightly distracted by a girl's ass as they walked by.

"Seconded." Abbi said, not noticing, but making a face.

~/~


	3. Mom Shopping

"This is nice, Abbi, isn't it?" Abbi's mother held an abstract garment out to the side of a clothing rack in a tiny independent shop.

Abbi took one glance at it and replied, "It would look great on you."

Her mother stared at it for a few more seconds, before saying, "What is it?"

-jump cut-

They walked out back outside and continued down the street and headed into a coffee shop. "Abbi, I'm worried about you."

"Oh?" Abbi wasn't really interested in hearing.

"Is there anyone… in your life?"

"What?"

"You know, a boyfriend?"

"Oh, no. Not currently."

"You don't seem to do too well with the men, do you?"

"Thanks for that."

"Sweetie, you can tell me."

"Okay, well there is this guy in my building, and y'know, I think we really have something, and I think we both know it, but we've just never been in the same place in our lives, and-"

"I meant you can tell me if you're a lesbian."

"…What?"

"What about Ilana? You two seem very close."

"Mom, I'm not gay!"

"Right, whatever you call it, bisexual."

"Mom, I'm not-!"

"You don't have to tell me right now. But you don't have to hide it either. I support you."

Abbi rolled her eyes.

~/~


	4. You Again?

Ilana walked into the small restaurant, confidently of course. She had already internally kind of written off the idea of dating this guy, and she hadn't even met him yet. It was more of a "let's get this over with" attitude.

She rounded the corner and froze. The man from the street earlier who was catcalling her was sitting alone at a table, with a noticeable bloody cut on his nose. He saw her immediately.

"You again!" She marched up to him. "Quit following me!"

"I'm not! Are you Ilana?"

"Oh my god. Are you my date?"

He stared in awkward silence, slightly bringing his hands up to protect his face.

"Oh my god. You offered to ditch this date and have a threesome!"

"You haven't ruled that out, have you?"

Ilana turned quickly and was about to leave, but saw a great opportunity. A waitress was walking past with a pitcher of ice water and a full glass on a tray. Ilana grabbed the pitcher which knocked off the balance of the tray, spilling the contents of the glass on the waitress. Ilana spun around, and upturned the whole damn thing on this guy's head.

After reacting positively to his shock value, Ilana turned and marched for the door.

~/~


	5. THAT'S Your Code Word?

"This is a really cute little place, isn't it Abbi?"

"Yeah, whatever." Abbi grumbled, still pretty sour about her mother thinking she was a lesbian because she didn't have a boyfriend.

"Look at these little rocks are shaped like bears climbing another rock, isn't that cute Abbi?"

"Almost like it was carved, on purpose. To look like that."

"Abbi." Her mother said seriously. "I didn't mean to insult you. I just wanted to let you know that it's okay if men aren't your thing."

Abbi took in a breath, ready to express to her mother once again, everything that she felt about the conversation earlier. "Mom, It's just that-"

Her mother spun around, seemingly unaware that Abbi was talking, and said to the shop owner, "How much is this bear?"

Abbi closed her mouth and frowned, pouting like a child.

"For you, twenty." The man said with a wink.

"Twenty, hm. Do you have anything similar?"

"Oh, for ffff-" Abbi noticed her mother glaring at her. "ffflying french toast on a Friday." She improvised quickly.

"Would you like to see the rest of my merchandise?"

"Gross." Abbi muttered.

"Back here." He led them to the back of the shop and pulled back a curtain, revealing a doorway to a convention-sized room filled with people and vendors.

"This is _your store?_ " Abbi breathed.

"No, this is the expo."

"The _what?"_

"…You said "flying french toast on a Friday""

"THAT'S your code word?"

"…You goin in or not?" He motioned Abbi through the curtain.

Abbi reluctantly stepped into the expo, looking around. Vendors all over the place were doing crazy things, throwing things into the air, performing tricks.

"Wow. You know, I could really get…" She turned around and found she was completely surrounded by the world of the expo. "…Lost. Mom? Oh, crap." Abbi wandered a few steps, getting dizzy trying to look at everything. She found a curtain that looked like the one she had entered through and pulled it back to find her mother making out with the shop owner, losing her shirt fast. How's that for a visual?

"Oh, god mom! Are you kidding me!" She stumbled away and began looking for another exit.

Rounding a corner, she bumped into a vendor. "Sorry!"

"Hey there. You wanna become a gecko?" Another man in a top hat said behind her.

"I'm sorry WHAT?"

"Take this." He held out a few pills.

Abbi backed up slowly, but backed into a box. She turned around to find someone sawing a person in half inside the box. She screamed and jumped backwards, trying to turn quickly but falling right out of the frame.

"Oww!" She hissed, inspecting her ankle. She quickly realized she would be trampled in this place, and hopped off to a bench on the side. She pulled out her phone to facetime Ilana.

"Hey Abs."

"Ilana! I need your help!"

"What's up?" Ilana's eyes weren't quite all the way open, and her right shoulder was moving.

"Listen, I went into this weird store and got lost and my mom- are you masturbating?"

"What? No." Ilana turned her phone around to show that she was in bed with the waitress she had spilled on. "So you're in a store and can't find your mom, go on."

"You too! Are you kidding me!? What happened to your date?"

"It was that heckler guy from earlier. Can you believe that! So I hooked up with the waitress from the restaurant."

"What? I can't hear you very well. You went on a date and brought the waitress home to have sex!?"

"Well, I mean we took advantage of the kitchen, too." Ilana said, and there was female laughter on her end.

"You had sex in a restaurant kitchen!"

Ilana laughed. "Look, you wanna come over? Hang on." She addressed the other woman, " Is it ok if my friend comes over?"

"For what?" Abbi shouted, trying to hear. "You're breaking up. Listen, Ilana! I'm in this weird place and I'm lost and my mother is hooking up with this guy and I twisted my ankle and it really hurts and I need you to come and get me!"

"You're hurt?" Ilana turned serious and stopped moving.

"Yes!"

"Where?"

"Some insane place on 26th street, I don't know how to describe it. It's in the back of a shop called "Gordo's Geodes and More". Oh god, this is the "more"."

"I'll be right there!" Ilana hung up.

Abbi glanced around, rubbing her ankle. "Crap…" She muttered.

"What are you doing?"

Abbi jumped, then looked up. "Lincoln?"

"What are you doing here?"

"What are YOU doing here? Also, what is here?"

"The Magician's Expo?"

"Ohhh."

Lincoln sat down next to her. "You don't need to know why I'm here."

"You're a doctor. Can you take a look at this?" She motioned to her ankle.

"Bitch, I'm a dentist."

"Right."

"How… how did that sound. Did that sound bad?"

"Bad?"

"Like, you know, badass?"

"What, calling me a bitch?"

"Yeah. Sorry about that by the way."

Abbi regarded him. "You really need to toughen up."

Lincoln grunted absently.

"Shit, Ilana's gonna be looking for me."

"Ilana's here too?"

"No! I was here with my mom-"

Lincoln's eyes widened.

"-and I lost her and I got offered gecko pills-"

Lincoln nodded knowingly.

"-and I don't really know where I am and I twisted my ankle and now Ilana's coming to get me and I just wanna get out of here!"

He rolled his eyes. "Come on, I'll get you out of here."

"You know a way out?" Abbi looked almost crazy with stress by now.

"…You know this is the Convention Center, right?"

"Like… the big one?"

"Yeah."

"…Oh."

"Come on, let's get you out to the street and find Ilana."

~/~


	6. Montage

After receiving a text from Lincoln of their location: Montage of Ilana running through public transportation and down the street.

She hops the turn thing at the subway and gets yelled at by security. "My friend is hurt!"

She pushes past people on the stairs, including a stroller. "My friend is hurt!"

She sits casually on the subway and after a few moments of silence, tells a scraggly man, "My friend is hurt."

She bursts out the subway and onto the street. "Move, my love is hurt! Friend! I mean friend!"

She runs down the street until she reaches the location Lincoln had texted her. She sees Abbi on a bench across the street. She runs out into the street towards Abbi.

A car horn slams and screeches, stopping a few inches before hitting her.

"HOOOOOOOOONK see how you like it!" Ilana screams back at the car. "Bitch." She takes a step to continue crossing the street and another car slams into her, knocking her to the ground.

Blackout.

~/~


	7. A MESS

"Ilana!" Abbi screamed, instinctively standing up and immediately regretting the decision. "Oww! Ow ow, Ilana!" She hopped on one foot.

Ilana sat up in the street, rubbing her head.

Lincoln looks at Abbi, realizing that it's now his responsibility to retrieve Ilana from the middle of the street. "You guys are _ridiculous!_ " He helped Ilana to her feet and led her to the bench as she rubbed her head. "Watch it!" He said to the car that hit her, then apologizes to the car that she screamed at.

As he sits her down, Abbi said, "Did you just apologize to that car! Hey! Bitch!" She shouted after the car, kicking at a piece of gravel without realizing she was kicking her bad foot. "Ow!"

Lincoln rolled his eyes. "You two are a MESS."

"Are you okay?" Abbi asked.

"Yeah." Ilana rubbed her head. "You?"

"Yeah."

"Good." They sat there just kinda nodding at each other for a few moments, before Abbi said, "Call a cab?"

"Definitely."

~/~


	8. Owtro

Abbi and Ilana lay on Abbi's couch, Ilana holding an ice pack to her head and Abbi with her foot propped up on a pillow on the coffee table, also on ice.

"Ow." Ilana mumbled.

"Ow." Abbi agreed, blowing out some air and making her bangs fly up.

Ilana glanced over at her and laughed. Abbi joined in. They burst out into laughter for a few moments, then quieted down, realizing that laughing too much also hurt.

"Ow."

"Ow." Abbi nodded.

~/~

A/N: Chapters 1 and 7 were intentionally written in present-tense because it seemed right for the video chat / montage format. If it made it worse or difficult to follow, please let me know so I can change it in the future. Please leave a review if anyone reads this! I know it's not the best but I'll be trying to make more. Thanks so much!


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